9 weeks in

We've officially been back in Salina for 9 weeks now. God has provided in amazing ways. We have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with our family and have been blessed to have been able to reconnect with old friends. Here are some highlights we've been able to enjoy since being back.

1. It's QUIET at night and you can see the stars!
2. We can see our family any time we want!
3. We can walk to the park and play outside because it's not a million degrees outside.
4. Three words: Salina Public Library.
5. Gabriel started preschool and soccer!
6. DATE NIGHTS with FREE babysitting!
7. Season tickets to the community theater!
8. K-State Football games!
9. It takes 10 minutes to get across town.
10. Bogeys, Dairy Queen, and Rolling Hills Refuge....need I say more?





But there are a few areas that we're still seeking guidance on. We'd appreciate any prayers you could shoot our way on the following things.

1. Jobs for both Michael and I.
2. Finding a church home. We've been trying out several churches in the area and have come to realization that we were SUPER spoiled in Keller. Everything from the music to the teaching style was incredible and done with excellence. That's not to say we aren't going to find that here in Salina - it's more of adjusting our expectations and find out where God wants us to be. We are ready to be connected to a body of believers in Christ and develop some new friendships, ones that can keep us accountable to the mission we feel we have been called to.
3. Finding a new home. My in-laws have been so gracious to allow us to stay with them for the past 9 weeks with our two boys. It's been fun hanging out and getting to share meals together. But, we are really ready for our own place. Both Michael and I are ready to find our own "home" and establish some normalcy for our boys. The past 9 weeks of staying here as been such a blessing, but we hope God opens up some doors (literally!) soon to allow us to make our own home here in Salina. And I'm pretty sure my in-laws will be happy to have their garage and their basement back!

Overall, we are very happy with our move back home. We both feel confident that this move home was the right now. Now we wait on God to shine light on the next part of the path. At this point, we feel as though we're in a holding pattern, but for what purpose? Until we figure that out, we'll continue working at being content with where we are. But let's end on a positive note! Here are a few more snap shots of the last 9 weeks here in Salina.

A New Normal

Right after Dominic was born, I fell into a panic. My life seemed out of control. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage having two little ones. I'd forgotten how demanding a nursing infant could be and throwing in an attention seeking 3 year old was a variable I hadn't fully accounted for. In the hospital, I had my first "What the heck am I doing? Can I do this? How will I love both my children equally?" moment. My friends Sabrina, Kristen, and Shannon got to see this first hand. I began to sob. This was going to be hard and I didn't know how I was going to do it. When were things going to go back to normal? Then my friends gave me some perspective.

"You'll create a new normal."

At the time, I wasn't sure what this meant. Through the blur of my tears, I knew my friends were trying to be supportive and I appreciated them letting me be transparent about how inadequate I felt as a mom. Now, I'm 9 weeks into being a mother of two, and sure enough, I've created a new normal. Initially, it wasn't going so well. But after getting some help from my doctor and evening myself out, I was able to see a little clearer and grasp what being a mother of two was about. It's tough, no doubt about it. But I'm finding that it's very fulfilling. Right before my eyes, my "baby" has turned into a 3 year old, independent, more self-reliant individual. He's actually been a big help. He assists with diaper changes, and helping me carry things when I've got my hands full of his screaming brother. I've also gotten to witness the newly formed bond that Gabriel now has with Dominic. I was so nervous about how Gabriel would take to having to share our attention with this new little person. He's amazed me. He loves his brother so much and wants nothing more than to play with him, talk to him, make him smile, and give him hugs and kisses. The tenderness in his heart overwhelms me and I'm thankful that their brotherly relationship has started off well.


Getting anywhere on time with two children is a skill I have yet to master (and from what I hear from other parents, I may never master it). But I suppose that's part of my new normal as well. We're finally getting into a routine and I even got 5 full hours of sleep last night. (Granted, I did get up after 3 to check on him, just to make sure he was still breathing!) I'm settling into my new role as a mother of "sons," and I'm liking it. Dominic has added so much to our family and we're so happy he's apart of the plan that God has laid out for Michael and I. I'm sure there will still be several adjustments to our life along the way, but I think I'm finally at a point where I can navigate them with a little more grace.

4 to 6 weeks

It's officially happening. God is starting to prepare me for the arrival of a second child. The nights of full sleep, or even just waking up once to pee are officially over. It's now up to pee 3-4 times and rolling over every 45 minutes or so each night. My days of sleep and feeling rested are over, at least for a year.

And surprisingly, I'm okay with that.

33 weeks pregnant and measuring at 35. EEK!

Dominic's going to be officially joining our family in just a month or so and I'm starting to get a little nervous. People are constantly asking me, "Are you excited?" Well, yes. I'm excited to meet this new child that God has blessed us with and allowed me to be a mother of. But am I excited about losing time with my first child, losing sleep and possibly losing my mind from being busy and overwhelmed? Um, no. I'm a wee bit frightened.

But I have to say, I think I'm going into the arrival of this baby with much more mental preparation than I did with Gabriel. Here are just a few things I've learned from Baby 1 to Baby 2.

1. The first 3-4 weeks will totally suck. There is no getting around it. There will be no sleep. I will be completely exhausted. But it will eventually end and I will get into a rhythm.

2. I will absolutely take all the help I can get from family and friends. I am not super mom and God has put these people in my life for a reason. Sometimes that reason will be to take Gabriel on a play date or hold Dominic while I take a shower. I am not above asking for help.

3. The laundry and the dishes will pile up. Eventually I will get to them, but I am not going to stress out if my house is not vaccuumed and everything is not in it's proper place.

4. My husband is my biggest ally. We will work as a team to transition our family from 3 to 4.

And the biggest thing I learned from Baby 1 to Baby 2 -

5. If I start to get sad or depressed, it's okay. But I will immediately let my doctor know and take action to get out of my slump as quickly as possible. I will not isolate myself from others and will try to get out into the world as quickly as I can.

I realize that with Baby 2, new insights will be realized and if/when we have Baby 3, I'll have even more things to add to that list. Right now, Baby D is measuring about 2 weeks early, so the arrival of our newest little guy could be here in just a month. Hopefully the transition to having a new child and Gabriel's transition to having a new brother will go smoother than I could ever imagine. Here's to God stretching me.

On another note related to preparing for Dominic's arrival, we've been working hard on getting his room ready. Michael and I cleaned out our guest bedroom, strategically hiding more junk in the garage and attic. Michael's been amazing, painting Dominic's room and being his perfectionist designer self, adding little touches that will make his room unique. I've been sewing like crazy and putting together Dominic's bedding set. I decided to make his bedding this time around and am happy to say that it's turning out fantastic! So far, I have the crib skirt and one crib sheet done. I'm about halfway done with his blanket, but it's coming along great too. I've included a couple of snap shots of his room and bedding in progress. It's not finished yet, but it's really coming together nicely and should be finished in the next couple of weeks. Our little guy is going to be stylin'!

I also celebrated turning the big 3-0 with an amazing 80's themed birthday party that Michael hosted for me. It was so much fun! Seeing an 8 month pregnant girl dressed in flash dance attire is a sight to see, by the way. I didn't even think it was possible to get my bangs that high anymore. My friends were great, dressing up and really getting into the theme of the evening.


I know the next several weeks are going to fly by and before we know it, we'll be a family of four. Right now, I'm just so thankful to be surrounded by good friends and family that are willing to come on the ride with us!

The Final Countdown

Today marks my 31st week of being pregnant with our second child. I'm astonished that 31 weeks have already gone by and that in just about 8-9 more weeks, we'll meet our newest little family member.

Over Christmas, Michael and I came to the realization that subsequent children tend to get the shaft. I realize that a lot of this is accounted for by the fact that we're chasing after a two and a half year old all day, every day. But I don't want this baby to look back on the days before he was born and think, "Gee, Mom and Dad, thanks. I feel robbed." I haven't been as diligent about taking pregnancy photos to document my growing belly. My pregnancy journal is not nearly as detailed as I'd like it to be. We have yet to paint his nursery (although we're working on it this weekend), or buy him a crib or even a car seat for that matter.

But does that mean we love him any less? Absolutely not. We can not wait to meet this new little addition to our family and for Gabriel to experience what it's like to have a little brother. I'm sure after his arrival, we'll be very busy spoiling him with hugs, kisses and all the things we did to let Gabriel know we were so happy to have him in our lives. In the meantime, we need to get the ball rolling and prepare for his arrival a little more efficiently. I tried getting more efficient by taking a picture of my growing belly over Christmas!

Big baby at 29 weeks - already measuring 2 weeks early!

This pregnancy has been 180 degrees different than my pregnancy with Gabriel. First of all, I was extremely sick the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy - leading me to believe that he was going to be a she. Second, I haven't gained very much weight (praise God!). Third, I've been much more laid back (after my initial 16 weeks) about the safety and well being of this baby boy. Early on in my pregnancy I was very worried that something was going to happen to cause me to lose the pregnancy. I had several friend who were due around the same day I was that were losing their pregnancies and I was sure that I was going to be next. We experienced a miscarriage before we had Gabriel and it shook our world up for sure. But towards the 15-16th week of my ridiculous worrying and crying spells, Michael turned to me one night and said,

"Do you trust God, Kristina?"

I looked at him through my blurry eyes, tears still streaming down my face and was about to retort, "Well yes, of course I do."

But I stopped and thought about it. Did I trust Him? I knew I trusted Him with my marriage, with our finances, with our job situations, with our friends - with a whole lot of things. But did I trust Him with this pregnancy?

"No. I guess I don't. I want to. But I don't know how."

It took a lot of praying and encouraging from some solid Christian women as well as my amazing husband to teach me how to trust God with all things, including this new little life inside me. And the incredible part of my learning this was, once I put my trust in Him, my worries of another miscarriage went away. It didn't mean that I didn't understand that it was a possibility. But it meant that I could trust Him to take care of me - good or bad - and that in the end, His love for me would never fail.

Thankfully, this pregnancy has been very smooth and for the most part, very enjoyable. As the weeks go by, I get more excited about finally being able to meet my new son. It's going to be a change for sure, going from a family of three to a family of four. But it's something I wouldn't trade in for anything.

We can't wait to meet you, Dominic.

The Year was 1981....

Today is the day. I'm officially in a new age bracket. Today is the day I turned 30. And on such days, it's fun to look back at what was going on the year you were born. Back in 1981:

1. The first DeLorean sports cars roll off the assembly line.

2. Prince Charles and Diana Spencer marry July 29.

3. Music Television was born

4. Tom Cruise makes his acting debut.

5. Sandra Day O'Connor becomes first female Supreme Court Justice.

6. A stamp only cost $.15!

7. The 1st space shuttle called the Columbia launches for the first time.

8. Olivia Newton John's song, "Let's Get Physicial" is a number one hit.

9. The US Agriculture Department tries making ketchup a school lunch vegetable

10. Atari releases home version of Pac-Man in the US and sparks a huge craze

It seems to me that most people "my age" don't really freak out too much about turning 30, and I didn't think I would either. But to be honest, it's a little unnerving to say that I'm no longer in my 20's. Not that I feel like I'm old and playing my last round, but there's something different, something, "maturing", about turning 30. Here are just a few things I've realized about myself now that I'm thirty and officially an adult.

1. Coloring my hair is no longer just for fun. It really is a necessity to hide all those grays.

2. Staying up past midnight is absolutely crazy and if I chose to be so nuts, it will take me at least 24 to 48 hours to recover from loss of sleep.

3. My body does not bounce back the way it once did.

4. I now relish a cup of coffee.

5. Naps are a gift from God.

6. The experience of being a wife and a mother far out-way the fun I had as a 20 something girl, playing the field.

7. Staying at home on a Friday night, curled up on the couch with my husband is my idea of a fabulous date.

8. Friendships are not disposable and it's important to put forth the effort to keep them active, alive and healthy.

9. Staying true to my convictions as a Christ follower are of greater importance than trying to fit in with the main stream society.

10. God willing, I've only lived a third of my life!

Those are just ten of many things I've realized and I'm sure the next 30 years will bring about more epiphanies. I know in just the upcoming year I have a lot to look forward to! Here's to you 30. May you be the beginning of a great era in my life.

Reflecting

As I was rocking my sniffling little boy this morning, I was reflecting on how blessed I was. It seems odd to have this thought pop in your head when you're awakened at 5:45am to the sound of crying and your little one suffering from a runny nose and a fever. But in the midst of his tears and little whimpers, I thought about how much I have and how thankful I am to be where I'm at in life. Here are just a few of the things I considered myself blessed with this morning.

1. My relationship with Jesus - This is something I have been blessed with for a long time, but seldom have the courage to talk about. Sure, people know I'm a Christian, but what exactly does that mean? To me, it means that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ died for my sins and has redeemed me. He is my bridge to a relationship with God the Father and I'm so grateful that He guides me through life. I've lived the life without God in it. It's not worth it. Sin is fun for a while, but it definitely catches up to you. And when it does, God is still there, waiting for you to come back, to restore you. I'm grateful that I figured this out pretty early on in college. I'm not perfect, things are not always easy for me, nor do I have life all figured out. But the one thing I do know at the end of the day is that Jesus loves me, no matter what. And that when everything and everyone else fails me, He's always there - encouraging me to stay the course and to trust in Him.

2. My family - Really it doesn't get much better than this. I have the most amazing husband in the whole world. He loves me in a sexy dress and even when I've whipped out the tattered sweatpants. Nothing tells you a man loves you more than when he'll snuggle with you in ratty sweats, wearing no make up, and your hair looks like Woody the Woodpecker may have tried to create a home in it. My son is also incredible. Although parenting has not been an easy adventure, I have a pretty well-behaved, respectful, sweet, and handsome little boy. My prayer is that his little brother will be just a duplicate of those things.

3. My church - When people say they love their church, I often wondered what they meant by that. Do they love the building? The atmosphere? The programing? Just the pastor? When I say it, I mean I love the people. All those extra things are wonderful too, but it's the people that have become dear to my heart. I have made so many friends at our church. These people don't just talk it, they live it. They are there for you when things get tough and love you enough to hold you accountable when you're too blind to see mistakes you're making. They truly love people like Jesus does.

4. Our current situation - I've been a stay at home mom for about two and a half years now. It's been an interesting journey. I've loved being able to be with Gabriel and watch him grow and develop. It's crazy to think that we've been able to manage living off of just Michael's income. (Thank the good Lord for free TV online....) Although we don't have all the latest and greatest things, nicest cars, newest clothes, or the ability to go out to eat all the time, we really do love our life. God is putting a stirring in my heart to go back to work part time after the baby is born, which is exciting and frightening all at the same time. But as it stands now, I'm content with where He has us. Michael has a good job and I'm grateful I get to spend every day molding and training my son to be a good person and a man of God.

There are many more things I'm thankful for, but in the 15 minutes I spent giving Gabriel some much needed snuggling this morning, those are the four things that really stuck out to me. I may not have all the latest and greatest things, but I've got the essentials. That's all that really matters, right?

It's a S-L-O-W Process

Well, it's the middle of August and guess what? I have yet to take the NCE (National Counselors Exam). Sometimes processes tend to be much more complicated and time consuming than they need to be. I found out after waiting a month and a half that the fee for taking the exam went up $40!! Who raises an exam fee by $40?!? And why does an exam really need to cost $200? On top of all the other money I've got to spend to obtain a license. Shesh.

But complaining aside, I "should" be set to take that sucker come the third week in September. I'm so excited to finally be done listening to Dr. Howard Rosenthal and be OFFICIAL. I'm still searching out an internship, which also seems to be dragging out. It's been difficult to find a site that is relatively close to home. Proximity is important because Gabriel is starting Mother's Day Out in the fall and it's only for 5 hours, 3 days a week. We're excited that he's going to have the opportunity to make some new friends and that I'm going to be able to start having big kid interactions and a regular basis. I'm trusting that God is going to lead me right where He wants me to be.

The 30 Day Challenge

I get all my best ideas when I'm in the shower, and this day did not disappoint. As I'm trying not to get soap in my eyes, I begin reflecting on the countless times I have failed meeting my healthy living goals. I stink at eating right, I'm horrible at counting calories, and working out is a joke.

But why?

If you were to read my journals, you'd see they're littered with outcries to God to give me the motivation and the will power to make a change that would stick. A change that would push me to get rid of the extra weight having a child can leave behind. A change that would encourage me to choose a carrot over carrot cake.

Then it dawned on me, why don't I make this a game? I have a bit of a competitive nature in me, even if the competition is myself. What if I set up the game to include a prize at the end. I really liked where this was going. And through my routine of lather, rinse, repeat, I came up with this.

The 30 Day Challenge:
For 30 days (5 weeks total - M-F only), the contestant (that's me) will do the following: will get up by 6:00 or 6:30 each morning, have quiet time, and then do 30-60 minutes of physical activity. This activity may include workout DVDs, going for a power walk (Remember, no running aloud. Doctor's orders.), or after child gets up, taking him on a walk in his stroller. If the morning gets thrown off with child waking up early or it's raining, or some other act of God occurs, then working out will be done in the evening after child goes to bed.

This challenge must be met for 30 consecutive days, where upon meeting said challenge, the contestant will win a prize! However, should the contestant miss even one day in the 30 days, the challenge starts over from the beginning.

What do you think? Was I enlightened? Guess we'll just have to see how effective it is in the next 5 weeks. Day one was tonight. So far, so good. I'm following it up by tracking my food intake at Spark People (they have a great app for the iPhone too). It's like Weight Watchers for F-R-E-E. This added portion to the challenge would consist of logging everything I eat. Not just the good things, but everything. Even the bad. It may seem daunting, but I have hope. I have excitement. It's now a real challenge.

Now I have to figure out what the prize will be....hmm....I'm thinking a Coach purse might be in my future.

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

Easter is this weekend. I'm so excited about it! Our church is putting on an original production for Easter called Emmaus. (click on the link to check it out!)

As the weekend is approaching, God is placing something on my heart that I've never experienced before. And it makes me feel WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Actually, it's been on my heart for about 3 weeks now, but I've been ignoring it, thinking God will stop pestering me about it if I continue to ignore Him. But it looks as though that's not how He works. You see, I have this burden on my heart to invite our neighbors to church. Now, I know that probably doesn't seem like a big deal. But it is to me. I wouldn't exactly describe myself as evangelical. And, we aren't exactly "neighborly" with our neighbors. Not that there's any bad blood or hard feelings. But, we (meaning Michael and I, as well as the neighbors) haven't really ventured across our little plot of land and just visited. So the idea of showing up on their doorstep, ringing the bell, and saying, "Hey, I know we've never really talked or hung out, but do you want to visit our church this weekend?" is an incredibly daunting thought. It seems almost insane.

Michael and I talked about it in depth last night. Why are we so afraid to ask them to church? We know our church is awesome and very welcoming. And, we're pretty sure they don't know Jesus, which means they've got reserved seats on the 245 to Hellsville. Shouldn't that prompt us to act? Why is reaching out to people near you so difficult? I'll tell you why. Fear of rejection. What if we do ask them and they say no? Then we might be the "weird, Christian neighbors...." But then I remind myself that Christ says to follow Him means to take up our cross and to leave the worldly behind. Am I ashamed of Him? No. Do I believe that He can save us from a life destined for hell? Yes. Do I believe that He is the Savior of the world? Yes. Do I believe that if our neighbors don't hear about what He did for them and accept Him, they will continue down the path to hell? Yes. So what's stopping me?

Fear.

I know that to step out of my little house of comfort and cross the street, cookies and an invitation in hand, could possible change their lives. Why does God stretching me have to feel so uncomfortable?

(Sigh)

So, if you read this before Easter, please pray for me, Michael and our neighbors. Pray for courage, pray for openness, and pray for God to do a work in us. They may reject our idea, and yes, we may end up being labeled as "weird." But then again, they may accept our invitation and come to know Jesus the way we do. As a Savior.

2010, the Latest Frontier

2010. It's here. No stopping it. Only 2 more years until the world ends, according to the sun worshiping folk from 100's of years ago. I think someone must have put something in the Kool-Aid, because according to my calculations (and my calculations are based on fact; aka the Word of God), I don't think we're going to "know" when the world will end and when Jesus is making his second appearance. So, I'm not worrying about it.

But thinking about the passing of years and how many I may have left (I'm only one year from 30 as of yesterday, you know...) I've recently been contemplating what this year is going to hold for me. From the looks of it, it could be quiet exciting. Here's just a few things that may (or may not) get accomplished this year.

1. I graduate with my master's degree in May. PRAISE JESUS! After three long years (longer if you include my first attempt back in 2003...), I'm finally going to finish what I started with a Master of Arts in Counseling. It's been an uphill battle, but well worth it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's standing there waiting for me, holding a big margarita to celebrate.

2. Taking my NCE (National Counselors Exam) soon after graduation to attain my temporary license so I can officially start working at an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor)!

3. Finishing up the MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy) requirements of my program by August and taking the required exam for that so I can obtain my LMFT (can you guess what that stands for?).

4. Leading a group of mommies in our 2010 Spring MOPS group. I'm so excited to minister to these gals and to be a part of such a wonderful program. Building relationships with new and veteran mommies is such a soft spot on my heart and I can't wait to see what unfolds. Plus, hello, free breakfast every two weeks???

5. Maybe, just maybe make us a family of four....we'll see if God has that in the cards.

6. Continue to watch Gabriel grow up and celebrate his SECOND birthday in May. I can't believe he's almost two. Tomorrow he'll be 20 months. That's only 4 months away from 2! He's at such a fun stage right now and I know it's fleeting, but we're enjoying it while it's here. I love that he will sit in his room for 15-20 minutes at times, just reading to himself in his own language. It melts my heart to hear that gibberish that has such meaning to him.

7. Celebrate 6 wonderful years with the love of my life...I wonder where we'll go to celebrate this year?

8. Getting involved in our church and growing as a leader.

9. Growing closer to the Lord. I've been pretty bad about putting my relationship with Him on the back burner for several months and I think it's time that my position of apathy changes. He is the only reason I am blessed to celebrate, experience and grow from the above 8 things. This year, I want to make Him the priority instead of the things in life that really don't matter.

10. Come up with more acronyms.

Just a few things that 2010 has in store for me. Here's to a new, prosperous year!

"I love being a girl"

I'm such a girl sometimes. I cry, I pout, I produce more drama in my life than I have executive rights for. I usually say way too much and have a difficult time saying no. I over-commit. And in the end, I usually feel completely overwhelmed.

But thank the good Lord above for girlfriends. Yesterday was a textbook case of the female breakdown. I called a bestie yesterday afternoon to discuss the said crisis for the week and completely melted in the car. There I was, driving down FM 407, mascara running down my face, wiping my nose on my sleeve, bawling into the phone, trying to get to my internship (a major source of my stress). I told her that I think I'm like Mrs. Incredible minus the "incredible" part. You know the part in The Incredibles where Mrs. Incredible has to save her children from the burning plane and so she has to stretch herself out like a balloon? That's me. Not the life-saving, courageous part. The stretched out to the limit part, with people clinging onto you, wanting something from you. (Dramatic, I told you.)

After sobbing to my friend for way too long, I said, "Do you know what I mean?" And she said, "Yes. I feel that way, too." Now, I'm not happy that she's neck deep this crap. I hurt for her. But, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone in the foxhole. I've got someone beside me that understands where I'm at and what I'm going through. And, after talking with her and asking for some prayer, I felt like I could be Mrs. Incredible just a little bit longer...but just until May.

Preparations

My husband reached a great milestone today. He crossed the threshold to wisdom and clarity. Ah yes, the threshold that is: Turning Thirty.


To celebrate this monumental occasion, we did what most people do: book a trip and leave the kid behind. That's right, we're going on our first trip without Gabriel. I have to admit, as the day draws near, I'm getting increasingly more anxious. Can we really leave Gabriel behind for four whole days? Will he survive without us? Will he even miss us or remember who we are when we return? (I never said my thoughts weren't ridiculous.)


My parents have been gracious enough to make the 7 hour commute to watch him while we're away and although I know he's in very capable hands, I still have worries. What if he gets a fever? What if he breaks a limb? What if he, God-forbid, gets the swine flu? Then there's the other irrational side of the coin. What if we die in a car wreck? What if we get mauled by a bear? What if a mountain lion eats me in the middle of the night? What will Gabriel do?

With these preposterous ideas floating around, we decided that God was trying to tell us to be prepared. Okay, maybe God wasn't really saying that...He was probably saying, "Trust me," but my initial interpretation (and they say you should always go with your gut instinct right?) was to be extra cautious. We'll trust Him AND be prepared. So, we created "The Will." (dun, dun, dun!) Definitely not the most fun conversation to have with your husband who is reaching a pivotal moment in his life. But a necessary one to have nonetheless. Good news is, it's done.

Now, with only 4 days left until departure, I must get in loads of hugs, kisses and snuggles with my favorite Littlest Buddy. Even though I know I'll see him again in only a few short days, I'm going to take each day to love him like it's the last time I'll see him. And then, live it up with my husband, my lover, my best friend, my everything for a well needed and well deserved vacation sans child. Here's to new "firsts".

Whining

Warning: This posting is going to be a frustration vent. Nothing more. If you're the type of person that only likes to read happy-go-lucky things on a blog, look elsewhere today, my friend. I'm disgruntled.

Alright, now that the warning has been served to the masses, I'll begin. As many know, my son is not walking. This frustrates me. Gabriel is now 16 months old and sporting a very healthy and trim 30lbs, but still manages to elude walking. It's not that he can't do it (or so I think), it's that he won't. 90% of kids his age are already walking. It frustrates me that my kid is in that 10% group that isn't. There's nothing wrong with his development, I know that. I just want him to pick up the pace and catch up with the 90% of other kids his age that are moving on two legs!

Now, please refrain from telling me, "Oh you just wait until he is walking, then you'll never be able to catch him. You'll be sorry you even mentioned it. You'll wish he was still crawling. Your life will be over once he's on the go...blah, blah, blah." To those folk who love to give this sort of unsolicited "advice" (is that what it would be called?), shut up. I don't want to hear it.

My back hurts.

My son can't go to the playground with kids his age because he can't walk.

He gets called "the bouncer" at church.

These things irritate me. I'm sure some mothers out there are thinking, "Well, she's being a little irrational. My brother's sister's cousin's next door neighbor's nephew didn't walk until he was 18 months old and they're just fine." Great for them. If you are one of those mothers though who likes to discredit my frustrations with generalized responses such as that, put yourself in my shoes. Would you enjoy having to carry a solid 30 lbs of anything around with you all the time? Would you enjoy having to constantly hear your son or daughter be called "the heavyweight, or the bouncer" in their "baby" class at church because they can't move up with the walkers yet until their actually walking? Would you enjoy having to dope yourself with Excedrin and Extra Strength Advil every night just to go to sleep, because your back is screaming in pain? Would you enjoy having your son/daughter not be able to participate in various activities with other kids their age because he/she can't walk? My guess is your answer would be, "Well, no..."

Now, as I said, I'm venting. I know things could be worse. I know he'll walk eventually. But I never said patience was a virtue for me. I'm a fallen woman and embracing the cultural norm of "I want relief now." That's all. Hopefully in the next couple weeks it will come.

Spinning Plates

And for my next trick, I will balance a full cup of coffee on my head while carrying a 30lb toddler in one arm, ironing my husband's shirts with the other, and testing the baby's bath water with one foot, all while studying for my three exams that will be given the next day.

That, my friends, is an understatement. My life feels like a three ring circus and I'm the final clown trying to squeeze into the car with all the other clowns whose work loads are similar to mine. Practicum started last week and school starts this week. Someone pass the Valium.

When I signed up to do three classes and a 20 hr/week internship, I thought, "No problem. It'll just be like having a full time job and being a mommy at the same time. Tons of people do it everyday. I can do it too."

Holy crap. How do you people do it? How do you manage to raise your kids, attend to your husband, keep your house clean, keep the dog fed, dishes and laundry done and work everyday without developing a drug or alcohol problem? I feel like I should sign up for an AA meeting now, even though I haven't started drinking.

Last night after I got home from the Advocacy Center, I laid in bed next to my husband, desperate to go to sleep. But all I could do was look at him and think, "Did I make the right choice? Is all this work, all this sacrifice, my family is enduring for me, worth it?" With tears streaming down my face at the thought, my husband took his hand, wiped away my tears, and said, "I love you." In that moment, I knew he was saying that he's in this with me. It's going suck, sure. I know there will be plenty of long nights and definitely more tears. But we're going to go through it together and when I'm finished in May, I'll be able to stand there in my cap and gown and say, "I'm no longer one of the clowns in a tiny car. I've graduated. I'm now the ringleader."

We have arrived

It's time to unbuckle our seat belts, step out of the car into the baking hot sun and take a look around. We've done it, kids. We're here.

Our family has been going through some "stretching" as of late. Much of it has been needed, but I won't lie to you. It's been a hard thing to go through. Often times, things don't go as planned. Some things don't work out. But one thing I know for sure. After going through this forced stretching, you will come out a stronger person and better off.

This week our lives start anew. We're going to be experiencing some firsts. And we're excited about it.

Alright, enough with the vague reflections. For those that know what's going on: we're doing great, things are looking up, and we're ready to move forward.

Take a right at the fork in the road

Thus begins a new journey for my family. We're getting ready to go into uncharted waters and I'm nervous. Do we have enough food? Did I remember to pack an extra pair of underwear? Did someone remember to let the dog out? I have a feeling we may be stopping at some gas stations along the way to ask for directions, even though my husband cringes at the very thought of it. We knew this trip was coming, but it snuck up on us. Hopefully we've got enough gas in the tank to make it where we're going...even though we're not really sure where that is yet (hence asking Joe Bob at the 7-11 for directions). If anyone has any ideas on where our final destination should be, we're open to suggestions.

Don't you love it when people talk in metaphor?

Turning the page

Well, it's done. Gabriel is officially weened. I DID IT! Our last nursing session was last Tuesday, May 26th. It was tough though...tough for me, that is. After weeks of pain in my knees and ankle, I decided to start taking the medication the doctor prescribed. But in order to do that, Gabriel had to be fully weened. I had been holding onto our late night nursing session for weeks. It was such a special, precious time we had together. But I needed to be rid of this pain and nursing was going to have to come to an end eventually. And now it's done. Forever.

I had no idea that concluding a season of nursing my baby would be so difficult. Gabriel really didn't seem phased at all. It was a pretty easy transition for him. However, it is more difficult to calm him down before bed, even with a sippy cup of milk and a story. I know this is all part of growing up, not only for him, but for me as well. It's part of letting go as a mom and ushering my child into the next phase of his life. And now, I can look back on the past 12 months with pride and joy. I did it. I nursed my baby boy for 12 months. And it was totally worth it.

Can I at least get front row parking?

The doctors office visit was, let's say, interesting. Thankfully I was able to get a friend to watch Gabriel at the last minute. And good thing too. I don't think I would have lasted long at the doctor's office with him, especially since I had to be there for almost TWO HOURS!!!!!!!!

Seriously, health care professionals, are you trying to piss everyone off? I wait for eons in the regular waiting room, and finally you call my name. I think, YES! I'm up! I've been patient, reading a good book to pass the time (Pillars of the Earth, if you're interested...very good), so I'm not too irritated yet. In fact, I feel a little bit of excitement and anticipation in seeing a doctor. For me, there has never been fear. I actually look forward to our 5 minute long, $150 chats. But after being escorted back to an even tinier waiting room, I expect to be seen fairly quickly...otherwise, WHY CALL MY NAME IF YOU AREN'T READY TO SEE ME?

Super-not-so-friendly-I-wish-I-had-another-profession-nurse-Lisa takes my vitals, gripping about this and that. After finding out when my last period was and learning that my blood pressure is normal, she slaps that super fake smile on her face and says that stereotypical phrase of, "The doctor will be into see you in just a moment." Just a moment...ha.

As I sit on the squeaky exam table, legs dangling over the side, I think, I wonder if she's going to tell me my foot's fractured. Maybe I'll have to wear an air cast. Ooh! Maybe they'll take an xray or two. I wonder what's going on with my knees...Then 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 25 minutes pass... I'm eyeing my purse sitting on the opposite side of the room, containing my book. I thought the doctor was ready to see me. What the heck? I hesitate on moving from my perch. Not only do I not want to wake the dead with the squeak of this table (remember, it's a sin to make noise at the doctor's office), but was quite painful to even hop up here and will surely be painful to get back down and then back up again. But it's approaching a 30 minute wait now...I'm starting to die of boredom, wondering if that's a diagnosis she'll put on my chart. Ah, screw it. I hop down and grab the book and decide to sit in the more comfortable chair on the other side of the room. Just as I settle back into the dark tale of Tom and Ellen, in comes Dr. Henderson. I've now been at the doctor's office for an hour and a half.

The next thirty minutes are full of painful stretches, three xrays, and more waiting. And the verdict, you ask? I'm old and bruised. Huh? I'm 28. How is that possible? According to this super smart genius with a medical degree, I have degenerative arthritis in both knees and a very badly bruised ankle.

Okay, doc, is there anything I can do about it? Pain meds perhaps?

Oh no, silly 28 year old. No pain meds for you. You're still nursing your son, so you're going to have to live with it. You need to stay off those knees for three weeks.

Oh, and no more running for you.

Ever.

But joining the geriatrics at the gym for Aqua Fit is an super alternative. Thank you for your $20 copay. Our office will be happy to collect the other $150 from your insurance company...hope you've met your deductible.

*sigh* I wonder if I can start getting my 10% discount at Kohls and IHOP...

A Wee Bit Discouraged

I started going back to the gym at the end of last month. I'm really trying hard to get my fat butt in shape. So far, I've been doing good. I'm taking a stab at running (an exercise I have previously loathed) and it wasn't going too bad...until I woke up this morning...and I wanted amputate my legs off. My knees are killing me and my ankles aren't really enjoying any weight being put on them.

I understand that when you get started with a fitness program, there is a high probability that you will experience some pain. But this is not "gain-pain"...you know, the kind that you know is just your body getting used to slap in the face to get in shape. No, this is "ouch, I don't think I'm supposed to hurt there" pain.

So I'm a little discouraged. I tried to rationalize the situation and say maybe this was God's way of saying, "Running isn't for you..." However, when I told my two best friends my theory, they said, "Ah, no. That's not what it means. It means you need new shoes." So, after wrestling with this discouragement, I think they're probably right. If I shell out $100 on a pair of shiny new Asics or Nike's, then maybe my fitness journey will continue with less pain. Maybe...I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm still holding out hope that God will give me another sign that running isn't a good idea. One can dream, right?

Precious Moment

I've been feeling smug about the fact that my baby doesn't snuggle with me. He's a typical boy. Always on the go, not wanting to be still (except to watch the occasional Baby Einstein DVD), being obsessed with tearing my kitchen apart. Sometimes I just want to hold him and have him hold me back, to cling onto me like a little koala. Instead, he usually leans far away from me, begging to get down and crawl away from me as fast as he can. It's as if he's saying, "Not now, Mom. I have more important things to do."

Deep in my heart, I've been praying for just a few moments of attention from him. Everyday he demands my attention, but this time, I'm demanding his. My attempts have been futile...until his birthday.

The night of his birthday, after nursing him for a few minutes, I pulled myself up from the rocking chair and held him, expecting the squirming to start any minute. Just as I was about to lay him into his crib, he did something unexpected. He laid his little head on my shoulder and I felt his little fingers grasp onto my t-shirt. He was snuggling me. I held him a little tighter, hummed a lullaby, and fought back the tears. Thank you, God, for my son. Thank you for creating us to be affectionate. Thank you for this precious moment that I will forever cherish.