9 weeks in

We've officially been back in Salina for 9 weeks now. God has provided in amazing ways. We have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with our family and have been blessed to have been able to reconnect with old friends. Here are some highlights we've been able to enjoy since being back.

1. It's QUIET at night and you can see the stars!
2. We can see our family any time we want!
3. We can walk to the park and play outside because it's not a million degrees outside.
4. Three words: Salina Public Library.
5. Gabriel started preschool and soccer!
6. DATE NIGHTS with FREE babysitting!
7. Season tickets to the community theater!
8. K-State Football games!
9. It takes 10 minutes to get across town.
10. Bogeys, Dairy Queen, and Rolling Hills Refuge....need I say more?





But there are a few areas that we're still seeking guidance on. We'd appreciate any prayers you could shoot our way on the following things.

1. Jobs for both Michael and I.
2. Finding a church home. We've been trying out several churches in the area and have come to realization that we were SUPER spoiled in Keller. Everything from the music to the teaching style was incredible and done with excellence. That's not to say we aren't going to find that here in Salina - it's more of adjusting our expectations and find out where God wants us to be. We are ready to be connected to a body of believers in Christ and develop some new friendships, ones that can keep us accountable to the mission we feel we have been called to.
3. Finding a new home. My in-laws have been so gracious to allow us to stay with them for the past 9 weeks with our two boys. It's been fun hanging out and getting to share meals together. But, we are really ready for our own place. Both Michael and I are ready to find our own "home" and establish some normalcy for our boys. The past 9 weeks of staying here as been such a blessing, but we hope God opens up some doors (literally!) soon to allow us to make our own home here in Salina. And I'm pretty sure my in-laws will be happy to have their garage and their basement back!

Overall, we are very happy with our move back home. We both feel confident that this move home was the right now. Now we wait on God to shine light on the next part of the path. At this point, we feel as though we're in a holding pattern, but for what purpose? Until we figure that out, we'll continue working at being content with where we are. But let's end on a positive note! Here are a few more snap shots of the last 9 weeks here in Salina.

God's Provision

You know when you have a secret that is super awesome, but you've sworn not to tell anyone? I've been attempting to manage that anxious feeling for a while now. Finally, I can let the cat out of the bag.

We're moving back to Kansas!

Right before we got pregnant with Dominic, we had thrown around the idea of putting our house on the market and moving to a bigger house. Moving back to Kansas had always been a pull for us, but we didn't know how we were going to make that work. Then I got pregnant and all plans to put the house on the market got put on hold. I wanted to have our baby in a Texas hospital, using the same doctor that delivered Gabriel. But after being pregnant for a few months, Michael and I started feeling that pull again. We felt the Lord prompting us to put the house on the market again.

But wasn't the market terrible? Did we even stand a chance at selling our house? Although not super optimistic, we decided to move forward and contact a realtor. We met a fabulous group of folks with ReMax Masters and had a very honest discussion with our soon to be realtors, Bill & Pat Evans. The numbers didn't look good. As it stood, we looked at taking at least a $20,000 hit on our house. Yowza! The Evans tell told us to call them when we were ready to make a decision. So, back to praying we went.

As we approached Dominic being born, the pull to move closer to family grew stronger and stronger. We agonized over the decision. We'd made some terrific friends in Texas, Michael had a good job. Moving to Kansas would be crazy...but then when you follow what God wants you to do, you sometimes have to do what seems crazy (you know, that whole "lean not on your own understanding part"). Two weeks after Dominic arrived, I called Bill back. We were ready. Then Michael and I started praying even harder. If we were going to do this, we needed some clear direction from the Lord and He was going to have to provide a way to make this happen. We asked Him over and over again:

"Are you sure you want us to move?"

"Do we stay in Texas or move to Kansas?"

"What about a job for Michael?"

The only answer we heard consistently was, "Trust Me." So that's what we did. And 86 days after making the decision to put our house on the market, we going to be selling our home AND Michael is going to be able to stay on at his job until he finds a new one in Kansas. GOD PROVIDES!

The day we moved in! When we were the only kids on the block!

It's official! SOLD!

I want to extend a special thank you to Bill & Pat Evans, and let us not forget sweet Carla! We could not have done this without you!! There were been a few road blocks along the way, but God has proven His faithfulness through every one of them. Although we'll have to live with our parents for a couple months to get back on our feet, we feel certain that this is the path God has intended us to take. We're trusting Him.

Michael and I are extremely excited about this next chapter of our lives with our boys. Although it's bittersweet to leave our Texas family, especially our sweet church family at Milestone, there is great joy at thinking about how God is going to use us in new and creative ways in our home town. And the grandparents are just a "little" excited!

Milestone Church - we will miss you so much!

So, farewell, Texas. You've been a fabulous home these past 8 years. We'll always think of you fondly.

A New Normal

Right after Dominic was born, I fell into a panic. My life seemed out of control. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage having two little ones. I'd forgotten how demanding a nursing infant could be and throwing in an attention seeking 3 year old was a variable I hadn't fully accounted for. In the hospital, I had my first "What the heck am I doing? Can I do this? How will I love both my children equally?" moment. My friends Sabrina, Kristen, and Shannon got to see this first hand. I began to sob. This was going to be hard and I didn't know how I was going to do it. When were things going to go back to normal? Then my friends gave me some perspective.

"You'll create a new normal."

At the time, I wasn't sure what this meant. Through the blur of my tears, I knew my friends were trying to be supportive and I appreciated them letting me be transparent about how inadequate I felt as a mom. Now, I'm 9 weeks into being a mother of two, and sure enough, I've created a new normal. Initially, it wasn't going so well. But after getting some help from my doctor and evening myself out, I was able to see a little clearer and grasp what being a mother of two was about. It's tough, no doubt about it. But I'm finding that it's very fulfilling. Right before my eyes, my "baby" has turned into a 3 year old, independent, more self-reliant individual. He's actually been a big help. He assists with diaper changes, and helping me carry things when I've got my hands full of his screaming brother. I've also gotten to witness the newly formed bond that Gabriel now has with Dominic. I was so nervous about how Gabriel would take to having to share our attention with this new little person. He's amazed me. He loves his brother so much and wants nothing more than to play with him, talk to him, make him smile, and give him hugs and kisses. The tenderness in his heart overwhelms me and I'm thankful that their brotherly relationship has started off well.


Getting anywhere on time with two children is a skill I have yet to master (and from what I hear from other parents, I may never master it). But I suppose that's part of my new normal as well. We're finally getting into a routine and I even got 5 full hours of sleep last night. (Granted, I did get up after 3 to check on him, just to make sure he was still breathing!) I'm settling into my new role as a mother of "sons," and I'm liking it. Dominic has added so much to our family and we're so happy he's apart of the plan that God has laid out for Michael and I. I'm sure there will still be several adjustments to our life along the way, but I think I'm finally at a point where I can navigate them with a little more grace.

The Heart Expands

When I thought about my second son arriving into this great big world of ours, I knew I would love him. But I worried that I wouldn't be able to love him as much as my first son. Gabriel had been our world for the last 3 years. How would it even be possible to love another little being as much as we loved Gabriel? Well, on March 16th, both my husband and I found out that God has the amazing ability to double the size of your heart in a matter of moments.

Tuesday, March 15th started out like any other day. My parents were in town, anticipating the arrival of their second grandchild, and I was thankful to have them to help me with my rambunctious little two year old. That morning I woke up with slight cramping, but didn't think too much about it. I had a doctor's appointment set for 3:00 that afternoon and after visiting with her, we'd find out if this little guy was going to be making an appearance any time soon. After my lovely examination, I found out that I was still only dilated to a measly 1.

Now, Michael and I had been moving forward with plans to have me attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean), but at this rate, Dominic was getting very, very big. We couldn't wait much longer and my chances of having a successful VBAC were fading away. So, we decided that we would go ahead and plan to have another C-Section for March 17th. We chose the 17th because we thought it would be fun to have a St. Patty's Day Baby.

But Dominic had other plans.

That evening, Michael and I decided to have one last "Family of Three" date. We took Gabriel out to eat at our favorite Mexican Restaurant and then ventured out to Target to find a St. Patrick's Day onesie. As I was waddling around (yes, I really did waddle), Target, I noticed I was starting to cramp a lot. Little did I know that a couple hours later, I would start to have contractions. By 9:00pm, my contractions were about 7 minutes apart and by midnight they were sitting at 5 minutes apart.

Michael quickly called my parents to come over from their hotel to stay with Gabriel and he whisked me off to the hospital. I have to say, it was touching and funny to see my husband getting nervous and excited about the arrival of our baby. I was really going into labor on my own, something I didn't get to experience with Gabriel. By 12:30, we were checked into the hospital and the nurses began monitoring my contractions. I had bumped up to a 2, and the contractions were coming on stronger. After deciding that I was not going home and that I was indeed having the baby within the next 24 hours, things began to happen rather quickly. I received my epidural around 4:00am and was soon out of the pain of natural childbirth. Around 10am, I suddenly felt a POP! and I got to experience my water breaking. I know that might seem a bit much to share, but you have to understand, these were all firsts for me. I didn't to go through any of this with my first child. The doctor came into check me and I had made it all the way up to a 7! That was 3 higher than I made it to with Gabriel!

My doctor was wanting to monitor my contractions a little closer and decided to put a pressure monitor in, but as she was doing so, things went wrong. My blood pressure suddenly dropped, which was the strangest feeling in the world. I thought I was going to pass out. Immediately after my blood pressure took a nose dive, Dominic's heart rate dropped. I saw concern wash over my doctor's face and she looked at me and said, "Kristina, we have to get him out now." At that moment, I didn't care what they had to do or what goals I had set. I wanted my baby safe.

"GET HIM OUT!" I cried.

Soon 10 people were in my hospital room, rushing me to the OR. Someone threw the "Daddy Suit" at Michael and told him to get dressed. They quickly took me to the OR and started prepping for surgery. I've never seen people move so fast. I was completely overwhelmed and started crying. Was my baby going to be okay? Could they get him out in time? I had been told that attempting a VBAC was risky and I prayed that God would wrap his arms of protection around Dominic and I. Through my tears, I saw my doctor come over to me and although she was concerned, she was ready and confident that everything would be okay. She took my hand and squeezed it, telling me that Dominic was okay and that they were going to get him out as soon as possible.

Now, from where I was lying, it seemed as though it was taking FOREVER for them to get him out. But Michael told me that from the time they took me into surgery to the time Dominic arrived, it was a only a matter of about 7 minutes. It amazes me how fast and precise those doctors and nurses can be.

Michael was right by my side the whole time. I continued to cry, pleading with him to reassure me everything was okay. Not too long after that, I heard the beautiful wail of a newborn! My baby was here! And he was perfect! Michael joined in with me in tears of celebration and relief that we were now a family of 4! Immediately, I felt God expand my heart. I loved him unconditionally the second he arrived.

Dominic Isaiah was born at 12:48pm on March 16th. He was 9 lbs, 8 oz and 22.25" long. No wonder he wouldn't fit!! When he emerged, my doctor's first sentence to him was, "Well, Happy 3 Month Birthday to you, little guy!"

My doctor also told me that his cord had wrapped around his neck a couple of times and that the pressure of my contractions was difficult on him, hence the drop in heart rate. Thankfully, all was well and Dominic was in perfect condition.


As I sat in our recovery room together with my family, I was in awe at how good God was to us. We now had a beautiful, perfect, little family of four and I was forever grateful. Now begins the journey of raising my rambunctious toddler and an itty-bitty newborn. I love them both more than I ever could have imagined and I can't wait to see how much more I'll love them as time goes on.

The Final Countdown

Today marks my 31st week of being pregnant with our second child. I'm astonished that 31 weeks have already gone by and that in just about 8-9 more weeks, we'll meet our newest little family member.

Over Christmas, Michael and I came to the realization that subsequent children tend to get the shaft. I realize that a lot of this is accounted for by the fact that we're chasing after a two and a half year old all day, every day. But I don't want this baby to look back on the days before he was born and think, "Gee, Mom and Dad, thanks. I feel robbed." I haven't been as diligent about taking pregnancy photos to document my growing belly. My pregnancy journal is not nearly as detailed as I'd like it to be. We have yet to paint his nursery (although we're working on it this weekend), or buy him a crib or even a car seat for that matter.

But does that mean we love him any less? Absolutely not. We can not wait to meet this new little addition to our family and for Gabriel to experience what it's like to have a little brother. I'm sure after his arrival, we'll be very busy spoiling him with hugs, kisses and all the things we did to let Gabriel know we were so happy to have him in our lives. In the meantime, we need to get the ball rolling and prepare for his arrival a little more efficiently. I tried getting more efficient by taking a picture of my growing belly over Christmas!

Big baby at 29 weeks - already measuring 2 weeks early!

This pregnancy has been 180 degrees different than my pregnancy with Gabriel. First of all, I was extremely sick the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy - leading me to believe that he was going to be a she. Second, I haven't gained very much weight (praise God!). Third, I've been much more laid back (after my initial 16 weeks) about the safety and well being of this baby boy. Early on in my pregnancy I was very worried that something was going to happen to cause me to lose the pregnancy. I had several friend who were due around the same day I was that were losing their pregnancies and I was sure that I was going to be next. We experienced a miscarriage before we had Gabriel and it shook our world up for sure. But towards the 15-16th week of my ridiculous worrying and crying spells, Michael turned to me one night and said,

"Do you trust God, Kristina?"

I looked at him through my blurry eyes, tears still streaming down my face and was about to retort, "Well yes, of course I do."

But I stopped and thought about it. Did I trust Him? I knew I trusted Him with my marriage, with our finances, with our job situations, with our friends - with a whole lot of things. But did I trust Him with this pregnancy?

"No. I guess I don't. I want to. But I don't know how."

It took a lot of praying and encouraging from some solid Christian women as well as my amazing husband to teach me how to trust God with all things, including this new little life inside me. And the incredible part of my learning this was, once I put my trust in Him, my worries of another miscarriage went away. It didn't mean that I didn't understand that it was a possibility. But it meant that I could trust Him to take care of me - good or bad - and that in the end, His love for me would never fail.

Thankfully, this pregnancy has been very smooth and for the most part, very enjoyable. As the weeks go by, I get more excited about finally being able to meet my new son. It's going to be a change for sure, going from a family of three to a family of four. But it's something I wouldn't trade in for anything.

We can't wait to meet you, Dominic.

The Next Chapter

Several years ago, I decided that I wanted to be a counselor when I grew up. And for the past seven, I've been working, slowly and steadily (as I know that's what wins the race), to complete this master's level degree. About a month ago, all of that schooling, time away from my family, and hours of studying was finally put to the test. In Mid-September, I took the long journey to Dallas to take the most difficult exam in the history of the universe....okay, maybe not, but still it is tough.

After pouring over exhaustive questions for two and a half hours, the computer system requires you to take an "exit survey". The survey asks you questions about the ease of the test administration, the friendliness of the staff, blah, blah, blah. I don't even remember what I said. What I do remember is after I hit submit, the biggest knot in my stomach erupted and I thought I might hurl. This feeling, combined with being 12 weeks pregnant and still very nauseated did not sit well. I rushed up to the counter and a sweet little lady greeted me.

"Well, honey, how did it go?"

I took in a deep breath, trying to push down my breakfast, wishing she'd be a little quicker at handing over my scores.

"I'm not sure. But that was definitely the hardest exam I have ever taken in my life."

As she reached across the printer to hand me my scores, I threw up a prayer to God, knowing that whatever the outcome, He has plans for me and those plans were to be prosperous. He also told me over and over again that morning not be anxious about anything, but I was struggling with that one. The sweet woman finally locates my name in the stack of test results, hands me my scores and looks at me hopefully, waiting for my reaction. I feverishly scan the sheet, just looking for the words pass or fail. After about 30 secs, I spot it in the upper right hand corner of the paper.

PASS.

I let out a scream, and then quickly covered my mouth (as other people were still taking exams), and began jumping up and down. The sweet little lady giggled, embraced me in a hug and we jumped up and down together a couple of times. I couldn't believe it.

I was finally going to be a legitimate counselor.

That was a month ago. Now we're at the present. I still haven't actually applied for my license, as the five year time limit to complete your internship begins as soon as you receive your license. What's the hold up, you might ask? Well, back to reality. I think I mentioned that I'm pregnant, now close to 19 weeks into this journey and finally starting to feel good. I'm ready to get back to work, but Michael and I are trying to figure out what's sensible and realistic. Do I go back to work for 3-4 months, only to take maternity leave for 2 months later? What employer is going to go for that?

We've relied on God's guidance throughout our marriage, especially when big decisions were at hand. This is no exception. I'm believing that God will reveal to us His will and where He wants to take our family, having faith in His timing. What's the next step in our little, expanding family's journey? Guess we'll have to wait and see...although it sure would be nice to get a call or e-mail from Jesus with his tentative schedule for us.

The 30 Day Challenge

I get all my best ideas when I'm in the shower, and this day did not disappoint. As I'm trying not to get soap in my eyes, I begin reflecting on the countless times I have failed meeting my healthy living goals. I stink at eating right, I'm horrible at counting calories, and working out is a joke.

But why?

If you were to read my journals, you'd see they're littered with outcries to God to give me the motivation and the will power to make a change that would stick. A change that would push me to get rid of the extra weight having a child can leave behind. A change that would encourage me to choose a carrot over carrot cake.

Then it dawned on me, why don't I make this a game? I have a bit of a competitive nature in me, even if the competition is myself. What if I set up the game to include a prize at the end. I really liked where this was going. And through my routine of lather, rinse, repeat, I came up with this.

The 30 Day Challenge:
For 30 days (5 weeks total - M-F only), the contestant (that's me) will do the following: will get up by 6:00 or 6:30 each morning, have quiet time, and then do 30-60 minutes of physical activity. This activity may include workout DVDs, going for a power walk (Remember, no running aloud. Doctor's orders.), or after child gets up, taking him on a walk in his stroller. If the morning gets thrown off with child waking up early or it's raining, or some other act of God occurs, then working out will be done in the evening after child goes to bed.

This challenge must be met for 30 consecutive days, where upon meeting said challenge, the contestant will win a prize! However, should the contestant miss even one day in the 30 days, the challenge starts over from the beginning.

What do you think? Was I enlightened? Guess we'll just have to see how effective it is in the next 5 weeks. Day one was tonight. So far, so good. I'm following it up by tracking my food intake at Spark People (they have a great app for the iPhone too). It's like Weight Watchers for F-R-E-E. This added portion to the challenge would consist of logging everything I eat. Not just the good things, but everything. Even the bad. It may seem daunting, but I have hope. I have excitement. It's now a real challenge.

Now I have to figure out what the prize will be....hmm....I'm thinking a Coach purse might be in my future.

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

Easter is this weekend. I'm so excited about it! Our church is putting on an original production for Easter called Emmaus. (click on the link to check it out!)

As the weekend is approaching, God is placing something on my heart that I've never experienced before. And it makes me feel WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Actually, it's been on my heart for about 3 weeks now, but I've been ignoring it, thinking God will stop pestering me about it if I continue to ignore Him. But it looks as though that's not how He works. You see, I have this burden on my heart to invite our neighbors to church. Now, I know that probably doesn't seem like a big deal. But it is to me. I wouldn't exactly describe myself as evangelical. And, we aren't exactly "neighborly" with our neighbors. Not that there's any bad blood or hard feelings. But, we (meaning Michael and I, as well as the neighbors) haven't really ventured across our little plot of land and just visited. So the idea of showing up on their doorstep, ringing the bell, and saying, "Hey, I know we've never really talked or hung out, but do you want to visit our church this weekend?" is an incredibly daunting thought. It seems almost insane.

Michael and I talked about it in depth last night. Why are we so afraid to ask them to church? We know our church is awesome and very welcoming. And, we're pretty sure they don't know Jesus, which means they've got reserved seats on the 245 to Hellsville. Shouldn't that prompt us to act? Why is reaching out to people near you so difficult? I'll tell you why. Fear of rejection. What if we do ask them and they say no? Then we might be the "weird, Christian neighbors...." But then I remind myself that Christ says to follow Him means to take up our cross and to leave the worldly behind. Am I ashamed of Him? No. Do I believe that He can save us from a life destined for hell? Yes. Do I believe that He is the Savior of the world? Yes. Do I believe that if our neighbors don't hear about what He did for them and accept Him, they will continue down the path to hell? Yes. So what's stopping me?

Fear.

I know that to step out of my little house of comfort and cross the street, cookies and an invitation in hand, could possible change their lives. Why does God stretching me have to feel so uncomfortable?

(Sigh)

So, if you read this before Easter, please pray for me, Michael and our neighbors. Pray for courage, pray for openness, and pray for God to do a work in us. They may reject our idea, and yes, we may end up being labeled as "weird." But then again, they may accept our invitation and come to know Jesus the way we do. As a Savior.

A Move in the Right Direction

Finally.

Finally, I have peace about what's going on with Gabriel's lack of walking. Today, Michael and I had a chance to meet with three ladies who work with the ECI program (Early Childhood Intervention). They came over to our house around 1:00 this afternoon and took about two hours getting to know Gabriel. They asked LOTS of questions. And because of this I can finally rest a little easier knowing that my baby is going to be okay.

As I said, after asking us a slew of questions regarding Gabriel's development, it seemed to them that Gabriel is behind in his gross motor skills by about 6 months to be precise. And due to the gross motor skills lacking, his language skill development has taken a backseat. Thankfully, this has nothing to do with his brain development. In every other area he came back right on or ahead. He's just a SUPER TALL kid. (Just as a side note, we learned that Gabriel takes after me on the social front. The kid has the social skills of 27 month old! HA HA!) According to the very sweet and knowledgeable ladies (Ms. Lindsay, Ms. Liz, and Ms. Kim) that evaluated Gabriel, he's having a difficult time supporting himself because he's very tall and has a lot more weight to distribute that most kiddos his age. Ms. Lindsay reminded me (and I hit myself for forgetting this, being a development major), that when motor skills are lagging behind, language skills usually put on their breaks. Now, Michael and I suspected this for a while. We knew he wasn't walking, or even talking as much as other kids his age. But it was assuring to hear it come from a professional's mouth. The problem has always been where do we go from here. We get it. He's behind. But what do we do to catch him up? That's where ECI comes into play.

Gabriel qualified for their physical therapy program and will begin seeing a physical therapist, hopefully starting next week. Ms. Lindsay and Ms. Liz will be coming by twice a month to check on Gabriel's progress and to help us out in any way they can. In the meantime (before we meet with the PT), Ms. Lindsay gave us some exercises to do with Gabriel to get the ball rolling. Things we hadn't even thought of, like have him sit on a stool and put a desired object above him so he has to stand up and reach for it. We tried it today and he really tried to stand up on his own. We had lots of topples and spills, but after a while, he was getting better! AND, to show off, Gabriel decided to take FOUR steps while the ECI ladies were there. (Figures.)

Needless to say, I feel better about the situation and am relieved to know that someone is going to come and help us get Gabriel caught up. Thank you for those of you who have prayed for us. I'd like to ask that you keep praying that my Littlest improves each day! I'll keep you posted. Until then, here's to lots of bumps and bruises ahead!

Preparations

My husband reached a great milestone today. He crossed the threshold to wisdom and clarity. Ah yes, the threshold that is: Turning Thirty.


To celebrate this monumental occasion, we did what most people do: book a trip and leave the kid behind. That's right, we're going on our first trip without Gabriel. I have to admit, as the day draws near, I'm getting increasingly more anxious. Can we really leave Gabriel behind for four whole days? Will he survive without us? Will he even miss us or remember who we are when we return? (I never said my thoughts weren't ridiculous.)


My parents have been gracious enough to make the 7 hour commute to watch him while we're away and although I know he's in very capable hands, I still have worries. What if he gets a fever? What if he breaks a limb? What if he, God-forbid, gets the swine flu? Then there's the other irrational side of the coin. What if we die in a car wreck? What if we get mauled by a bear? What if a mountain lion eats me in the middle of the night? What will Gabriel do?

With these preposterous ideas floating around, we decided that God was trying to tell us to be prepared. Okay, maybe God wasn't really saying that...He was probably saying, "Trust me," but my initial interpretation (and they say you should always go with your gut instinct right?) was to be extra cautious. We'll trust Him AND be prepared. So, we created "The Will." (dun, dun, dun!) Definitely not the most fun conversation to have with your husband who is reaching a pivotal moment in his life. But a necessary one to have nonetheless. Good news is, it's done.

Now, with only 4 days left until departure, I must get in loads of hugs, kisses and snuggles with my favorite Littlest Buddy. Even though I know I'll see him again in only a few short days, I'm going to take each day to love him like it's the last time I'll see him. And then, live it up with my husband, my lover, my best friend, my everything for a well needed and well deserved vacation sans child. Here's to new "firsts".

Spinning Plates

And for my next trick, I will balance a full cup of coffee on my head while carrying a 30lb toddler in one arm, ironing my husband's shirts with the other, and testing the baby's bath water with one foot, all while studying for my three exams that will be given the next day.

That, my friends, is an understatement. My life feels like a three ring circus and I'm the final clown trying to squeeze into the car with all the other clowns whose work loads are similar to mine. Practicum started last week and school starts this week. Someone pass the Valium.

When I signed up to do three classes and a 20 hr/week internship, I thought, "No problem. It'll just be like having a full time job and being a mommy at the same time. Tons of people do it everyday. I can do it too."

Holy crap. How do you people do it? How do you manage to raise your kids, attend to your husband, keep your house clean, keep the dog fed, dishes and laundry done and work everyday without developing a drug or alcohol problem? I feel like I should sign up for an AA meeting now, even though I haven't started drinking.

Last night after I got home from the Advocacy Center, I laid in bed next to my husband, desperate to go to sleep. But all I could do was look at him and think, "Did I make the right choice? Is all this work, all this sacrifice, my family is enduring for me, worth it?" With tears streaming down my face at the thought, my husband took his hand, wiped away my tears, and said, "I love you." In that moment, I knew he was saying that he's in this with me. It's going suck, sure. I know there will be plenty of long nights and definitely more tears. But we're going to go through it together and when I'm finished in May, I'll be able to stand there in my cap and gown and say, "I'm no longer one of the clowns in a tiny car. I've graduated. I'm now the ringleader."

We have arrived

It's time to unbuckle our seat belts, step out of the car into the baking hot sun and take a look around. We've done it, kids. We're here.

Our family has been going through some "stretching" as of late. Much of it has been needed, but I won't lie to you. It's been a hard thing to go through. Often times, things don't go as planned. Some things don't work out. But one thing I know for sure. After going through this forced stretching, you will come out a stronger person and better off.

This week our lives start anew. We're going to be experiencing some firsts. And we're excited about it.

Alright, enough with the vague reflections. For those that know what's going on: we're doing great, things are looking up, and we're ready to move forward.

Take a right at the fork in the road

Thus begins a new journey for my family. We're getting ready to go into uncharted waters and I'm nervous. Do we have enough food? Did I remember to pack an extra pair of underwear? Did someone remember to let the dog out? I have a feeling we may be stopping at some gas stations along the way to ask for directions, even though my husband cringes at the very thought of it. We knew this trip was coming, but it snuck up on us. Hopefully we've got enough gas in the tank to make it where we're going...even though we're not really sure where that is yet (hence asking Joe Bob at the 7-11 for directions). If anyone has any ideas on where our final destination should be, we're open to suggestions.

Don't you love it when people talk in metaphor?

I took a crazy pill

I think I'm going insane...I'm throwing around the idea of trying out a spin class. Anyone have any advice on whether this would be a good idea?? Would I "enjoy" spin class or loath it like a mosquito bite behind the knee?

I made a new friend in my Aqua Fit class. Her name is Candice and like me, she has a baby Gabriel's age. First of all, I'm happy to be making friends MY AGE in Aqua Fit. Second, we are throwing around the idea of trying out the spin class. But we're both a little nervous about it. We both decided it might be wise to be at the back of the class in case we die of a heart attack (as to not interrupt the other people in the class trying to stay alive) or if we spin right off the bike.

Thoughts? Advice? I need some motivation and words of encouragement!

Turning the page

Well, it's done. Gabriel is officially weened. I DID IT! Our last nursing session was last Tuesday, May 26th. It was tough though...tough for me, that is. After weeks of pain in my knees and ankle, I decided to start taking the medication the doctor prescribed. But in order to do that, Gabriel had to be fully weened. I had been holding onto our late night nursing session for weeks. It was such a special, precious time we had together. But I needed to be rid of this pain and nursing was going to have to come to an end eventually. And now it's done. Forever.

I had no idea that concluding a season of nursing my baby would be so difficult. Gabriel really didn't seem phased at all. It was a pretty easy transition for him. However, it is more difficult to calm him down before bed, even with a sippy cup of milk and a story. I know this is all part of growing up, not only for him, but for me as well. It's part of letting go as a mom and ushering my child into the next phase of his life. And now, I can look back on the past 12 months with pride and joy. I did it. I nursed my baby boy for 12 months. And it was totally worth it.

The Dilemma

Yesterday I called the genius doctor back to complain that my ankle is still torturing me. A few friends have suggested I get a second opinion, but frankly, I don't really have the money or the time to go see another doctor. It was already a considerable whip to see the doctor the first time.

After waiting all day for the doctor's office to call me back (typical), the nurse calls me back and asks, "Are you still nursing?"

And here is the moment of truth.

Gabriel is down to nursing once a day at night. It's not for very long, nor is it really of any nutritional value to him. But, selfishly, I'm not ready/not wanting our sweet little sessions to end. I know that once they do, the ability to rock Gabriel to sleep, to have him be still and calm while I sing lullabies to him will come to an end. It would also be the end of a chapter of Gabriel's story of growing up.

However.

I am in a vast amount of pain. I am on the verge of amputating my foot. These drugs would give me some relief, and allow me to get back to the gym.

So.... do I hold on a few more weeks for those sweet little moments? The ones that I'll NEVER get back? Or, as I thought I was doing last night, nurse him ONE LAST TIME and then get some relief?

My answer to the nurse was....

Yes.

I am done nursing.

A little white lie so I could have the medication on hand when I did stop nursing. But when will that be?

Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.